Chapter 33

Tonight was the night. I was finally gonna do it. Tonight I was leaving Jonathan, for good. I didn’t pack anything because when I start packing, I start thinking. And thinking leads to panic. So all I did was grab essentials like I was going out for the day. My purse, my money, and the little cash I had left. And all day I have been convincing myself that I’m not going yet. And this seems to be working, kind of. I’m still panicking, but not enough to have a full-blown attack to where I can’t move and I change my mind.

Tonight, the group was having a party, an actual party not just a hang out. And Jonathan has been super bipolar about going, or whether or not he wanted to continue to be friends with these people after what they said about us, completely forgetting that he added a massive amount of fuel to that fire….but I managed to convince him to go with me. Being my plus one, I even threw in the symbiotic relationship to make him feel better.

The party was where I was planning on leaving him. He has never hurt me in a public space, and I doubt he would now, especially since he still held the title of ring leader in this specific group.

The car ride was awkward. After yesterday Jonathan was sober all day, no drinking or pills taken. I was with him all day today, since he took a sick day. And I was basically his glorified nurse while I looked up what to look for if throwing up wasn’t enough to clear his system. He slept most of the day, which makes sense because the pain killers he took were the sleepy kind. Plus, he was drunk before he even started popping pills.

But what scared me was that the one thing he did remember, was mentioning having a kid with me. And he asked me about it during the drive.

“I think it would be fun, having a little one walking around the place…and the process wouldn’t be so bad,” he said, his hand on my thigh.

I just nodded and smiled. I worried if I actually spoke, he would be able to tell the tone in my voice. The last thing I needed was something else he could hold over me. If I had a kid, I would be stuck with him forever. And that truly scared me, more than any other way he’s ever hurt me. Or me hurting myself.

When he slept, I planned. I knew about Avery’s party for a while. He had sent out an invitation in a group chat, and I brought it up to him a week ago. He became self-righteous and said that they did not deserve us if all they considered us was the awkward couple that no one actually wants to be around, completely forgetting how he just sat there and watched his so-called ‘friends’ do this to him.

Today when he was awake, he swore to focus on us, saying he wanted to be sober enough to marry me soon. But he has been drowsy all morning, and when he said this, he was mumbling and kind of slurring his words. I tried again to get him to go to the hospital, but he said no. He told me throwing all the pills up was enough, and he felt fine. But he is not me seeing him

stumble out of bed, slur his words, and look like a drug addict at rock bottom.

So now here we are about to walk in…. I wasn’t sure when the timing would be for me to leave, but I knew it had to be before he wanted to try for a baby. But I had hours to find a window. The parties literally went on all night, and we got here at 5.

Our entrance was a mixed bag. Some people cheered, while others just stared. There were a few unfamiliar faces, newcomers, and they had the same face I had when I first met Jonathan. A mix between hypnotized and memorization. But when it came to me, most of the stares were met with quick look aways or glares. I was still the little slut Jonathan was keeping, and that’s all I would ever be to them. I would not miss this ‘support group’.

We were an hour in, and Jonathan was drinking in a corner while one of the newcomers was talking his ear off of something I couldn’t hear cause I was across the room and the music was booming. But Jonathan was looking at me. Like he did the first night we met, like he was trying to figure me out. Did he already know?

I didn’t want to be here anymore. And that was my cue. I walked up to Jonathan and tilted my head to the hallway. He smiled, already a little drunk and walked with me. But I stopped at the end of the hall, and when he reached for the knob, I grabbed his hand.

I looked him in the eyes, and he looked at me, but he was already gone. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath in. Now or never.

“I just need some air.” I said as I breathed out. “I’m gonna go outside” He didn’t get it, which I expected. He shrugged and touched my elbow. “Okay… do you want company?” He said. I backed up. “No,” but he said this too quickly and too loud. And his facial expression seemed suspicious.

He laughed at me “No…. sorry, stay…. you looked like you were having fun…. and I’ll only be gone for like fiv–maybe ten minutes.”

He was suspicious, but he moved aside after he gave me a bear hug that lasted at least a minute long.

Once I made it outside and headed for the car, I didn’t want to waste any time. I high tailed it and opened the door. I reached in my bag for the keys. But I couldn’t find them.

Okay don’t panic.

I reached into my bag again and rummaged. Still nothing.

So I dumped all my stuff out. I had everything. My keys to the apartment, my wallet, my money….but no car keys.

And then there was a knock on the window. I jumped, even screamed. I turned to see it was Jonathan. He was outside my window.

He waved and smiled. He wasn’t suspicious as far as I knew. He asked me to roll the window down. But I couldn’t since I didn’t have the keys. And I had a feeling he already knew that. That bear hug wasn’t because he was drunk. He used it to take the keys.

So I shook my head and raised my voice so he could hear me through the closed windows. “I’m just getting some air!” I said

“Why are you in the car?” He said, trying to open it “Why is it locked?”

I moved so he at least couldn’t see my purse and things dumped out on the passenger seat. “I’ll be out in a minute…I just–go back inside…I’ll be right there.” I said.

He shook the car door handle and knocked on the window again “Nat…let me in!”

He aggressively knocked on the window now. I reassured him I would be back in a minute, but he wasn’t moving.

“Unlock the car” he said, he wasn’t stern he sounded more annoyed.

I searched for my stuff again with one hand maybe three times before frantically turning around to see if I just missed something.

And he noticed it. “Why do you have your bag…you said you were just getting air…Natalie open the door now!”

He punched the window this time “Open this door now!”

I was scrambling, I checked everything once again as Jonathan continued punching the window, screaming at me to open the door.

But my worst fear was confirmed. When he hugged me, he took them. That’s the only explanation.

That’s when I noticed the screaming stopped, and so did the punching of the window. I looked

up to see Jonathan was no longer anywhere to be seen. I looked to the left, to the right, even behind and in front. But he wasn’t there.

I needed this car to move before he came back. Which meant I was on borrowed time. Maybe I could hot wire the car? It was an older car.

I didn’t waste time. Who knows when he would come back? I moved to the passenger side because it would be easier than trying to crouch down and maneuver on the driver’s side. I got the two wires I needed and even got a spark the first time.

But I should’ve paid more attention to Jonathan’s whereabouts because when I tried the second spark, the passenger window smashed to pieces, and in a split second he grabbed me trying to drag me out of the car.

I heard my clothes tear through the glass and felt the glass cut through my skin. I fought, I flailed my arms, I screamed, I scratched, kicked, even bit him, but he felt nothing. He continued dragging me out until I was fully out of the car and then threw me to the ground as if I was a bag full of trash. I turned as quickly as I could so I could at least see what he was gonna do next.

He had the bat in both hands now and his eyes were something of a wild animal. “You lied to me?” he started “You didn’t want fresh air…you wanted to-“

“No!” I said trying to sound convincing, shoving my panic down as best as I could. “I just needed air…I was gonna come back”

“LIAR!” he lifted the bat up and swung toward me. Centimeters from my head I rolled as best as I could before the bat made a sickening crunch to the ground. The bat shattered the second it made contact. After the bat-shatter, he lifted his hand to hit me but someone stepped in.

“That’s enough!” They yelled “You’re gonna kill her.” They grabbed his hand and tried to pull him back, but Jonathan was in no mood to be stopped. He turned around to face this guy and with one punch to his face knocked him out.

I used this brief intervention to try to escape, but I was in so much pain, all I could do was crawl.

But crawling wasn’t enough. He picked me up and lifted me off the ground, and then tossed me back again. I landed on my back, the wind being knocked out of my lungs.

“You stupid little…” he didn’t finish his sentence. He crouched down and grabbed my face. “I gave you a place to stay when no one would take you”

He then stood over me and hit me, not punch, but a loud smack right across my face

“I loved you, when no one else would!” he said smacking me again “And this is the thanks I get!”

I managed to push him off, but as soon as he fell over, he got back to me, grabbing my arms and basically tackling me down.

“Just tell me,” he whispered, “Tell me what you want me to fix…. and I’ll do it”

I didn’t want to say anything. There was nothing I would say to make him change. Nothing I could do to get him to stop. His grip on my arms said everything.

He wasn’t gonna stop hurting me until I was dead… .He was gonna kill me tonight. “Just tell me!” he yelled “TELL ME!!”

He hit me, kicked me, shook me, threw me, picked me up and then dropped me. All while shouting threats of violence. Everything became a muddled blur. I was numb. I think I was dying. He picked me up again and then dropped me, my head slammed into the ground hard. The only thing I could do was go into a fetal position so if by some miracle I didn’t die, I wouldn’t be extremely injured, though I had a feeling I had passed the line of extreme injuries when he dragged me out of the car.

I waited for the kick, the smack, the insult, but nothing came…. he was going for the element of surprise now.

My eyes were squeezed shut, and my hands were over my ears now. And then I felt them, his hand grabbed my arms and he shook me.

“Natalie open your eyes.” I didn’t recognize the voice

I was hesitant, skeptical. Was Jonathan disguising his voice now?

“Natalie,” the voice said softer “It’s okay… my name is officer Sanchez, you’re safe now…. he’s not gonna hurt you.”

It took a second for the words to sink in…. safe…. he’s not gonna hurt you…. they felt foreign to me. Could they actually guarantee that? I felt like a child being taken care of after a bad bike injury. They practically carried me to the curb as they waited for the ambulance. A firefighter medic checked me out to make sure I didn’t need any immediate attention.

The glass didn’t cut enough for me to need stitches. And while I had a lot of bruises and minor cuts all over, I had no broken bones. When the ambulance pulled up, I was again assisted with getting in. And while I was getting checked out, Avery was telling the officer what had

happened. But I was having a hard time focusing on the conversations Avery was having with the officer and what the medics were telling me.

“I think they got into a fight…….he followed her to the car.”

“You have a lot of minor cuts and bruises, but they should all heal fully in about a year….maybe a year and a half.”

“He used the bat to break the window to the car and then just dragged her out….” “Natalie? Can you hear me?”

“The bat missed her face by like a millimeter.”

“She’s in shock…. Natalie? We’re just gonna clean your cuts so they don’t get infected…it might sting a little.”

“He punched him and knocked him out cold.” “You’re doing great.”

“He just picked her up and threw her on the ground over and over….. he hit her……. yelled awful things. Then you guys showed up.”

Once the paramedics finished, they let me sit there. They gave me a blanket, and I just watched Avery finish his version of the story. I stopped listening, though. I already lived through this. I didn’t need to live it again. The car that held Jonathan was gone already. Which was good because I don’t think I would’ve been able to feel any sort of safety knowing he was still here. Even if he was locked in a large heavy metal box. The officers then came to me and asked me a few questions. I answered the best I could, but I don’t think it was much help. I was still in shock with everything that had happened.

And then I heard the slam of a car door and her voice “Oh my go- Natalie?!” April said.

Part of me was relieved to see her, but the other was embarrassed. I know it was stupid but right now was the perfect example of just how different our lives were. Here she was rushing to her little sister, her abused, bruised, messy,  situation-shipped sister.

She ran up to me and embraced me. I really needed that. And embrace that wouldn’t be followed by a smack across the face or being thrown on the ground afterwards. We pulled apart and she looked over at me.

“Natalie loo-”

“I’m sorry” I blurted out. I wanted to say more but I just started sobbing. April pulled me into

another hug as I sobbed. We stayed like this for a good twenty minutes before I was finally able to calm down and speak somewhat normally to her. And after about an hour I was finally cleared by the first responders to leave.

April took me back to her place. It was a weird feeling of deja vu. Neither of us said anything on the ride home. It was awkward but there was something different about it.

Yes, it was completely silent, we were both afraid of saying the wrong thing. I didn’t sleep that night, so April and I stayed up all night talking, mostly me talking and her listening. I told her what it was like living with Jonathan, the abuse, the suicide stunt, the constant manipulation. I tried apologizing for walking out like I did, but she wouldn’t let me. She said that I had no reason to apologize for what I went through. But it didn’t change the fact that when she tried to throw me a life saver as I was drowning, I chose to drown. And because of that it almost cost me my life. I would try again when all of this was just a distant memory.

I would never have to deal with Jonathan because a few hours after going to April’s, I got a call from a police station medic. Apparently, Jonathan had passed away about an hour and a half after being placed into custody. He had a number of drugs in his system, and with his behavior prior to being arrested, his heart couldn’t handle it all and just gave out. I felt bad in some ways, but I was more relieved. I would never have to worry about him searching for me, and no girl would have to go through his manipulative, psychologically damaging behavior ever again. But for now, I was just glad to be somewhere safe, somewhere where someone actually loved me without expecting anything back, somewhere I felt like I didn’t have to look over my shoulder every few minutes. For the first time I felt free…. free from Jonathan…. free from being judged…I could breathe because I was free from it all…. free to truly start over.